Stuck Place

When I wrote Divine Confinement, I used "Facing Seasons of Limitation" as the subtitle. I have always liked that. It was about ways to navigate the choppy waters of the stuck places in life.
It is time for me to reread the book ---- I am stuck. Struck down by the end of a budding relationship, my forward progress is nil. I forgot how much a heart can hurt. This isn't something to eagerly anticipate. Suddenly, the tripe about the value of pain seems trite. I don't think I want a matured heart ----I just want the pain to stop.
In this Holy Week, we think about the last earthly days of our Lord Jesus Christ. While most focus on the cross, I find great emotional substance in the garden of Gethsemane. Dad used to sing "I walked today where Jesus walked." One of the scenes is in the solitary place "where all alone He prayed." My sister shared ideas with me this week about the agonizing loneliness of the garden. There are times when the silence of God has such weight we think we will fall under it's mass. Even an "attaboy" would have been welcome as Jesus bared His soul and submitted to the Father. At the public baptism, the dove hovered and the voice thundered....and the people cheered. In the aloneness of Gethsemane, nothing but the night surrounded our Lord. This week I have had some of those awful nights, but nothing will ever compare to the sheer darkness of His moments.
He went through the garden to the cross in obedience to the Father who chose Jesus as the sin bearer for all of us. Jesus knew separation would come. But this very separation on the cross enables me to hold on in this season. I hate it ---I really do. The experience of betrayal and deceit rubbed my soul raw, but this soreness can never compare to the suffering of my Lord. In His season of limitation, He took on flesh to walk among us to share in our pain and to now be our mediator and intercessor.
Hallelujah, what a Savior. Holy week enables me to be whole, even when I feel shredded. Thanks be to God for His unspeakable gift.

Coming or Going

There is an old story about a little boy who goes to Sunday School and is taught Adam was made from the dust of the earth. The teacher then told the class our lives are simply "dust to dust." The next day he ran into his Mom and told her he climbed under his bed. "There's somebody either coming or going!"
This picture of the Christmas lights made me think of that for am I preparing to decorate for Christmas or possibly preparing to de-light my house to the delight of my neighbors?
Gratefully, those are the lights from the front porch after being removed string by string! And they are getting ready to move from the corner table to their plastic containers for safekeeping until next December.
If it took until nearly April 1 to get them down, wonder how long it will take to actually get them into their plastic tubs and up into the attic? I am sure there is a betting pool forming somewhere!
When I took the last strand down, I felt such relief and such a sense of productivity. Undone things hang over me like the sword of Damocles.
When I was young I was a prodigious reader. I LOVED checking books out of the library, but I had great difficulty getting them back. I hid them beneath my bed so today the items on my procrastination list are known as things "under the bed."
A friend of mine is probably in her last days. One of the things I won't put under the bed is the opportunity to go see her and tell her how much she has influenced my life. Lights can wait --- friendships can't. Life is fragile - we can never take it for granted. If you are reading this, please check your list and put "loving others" high on the must-do side of the ledger.

Signs of the Times

This is the entrance sign. Why the attention? We got the new sign after two teenage boys, racing their pickups, missed the turn and demolished our old one.
We moaned and groaned, thinking management was going to leave us bereft of any indication we existed. And with no lights other than those on the sign, we often missed the turn at night.
Then, one day a work crew appeared. With great interest, we watched their slow progress wondering about the plan. "They are just going to plant trees and leave it at that." "They are going to pocket the insurance money and run." Amazing how our grapevine can run wild over such a small item. When you live among the retired, the smallest event triggers a flurry of rumors.
Without much fanfare, the new sign appeared last week.....quite beautiful and well-lighted.
I couldn't miss the spiritual parallels. It seems lately I have had several of life's signs torn down. It seems dark when I am making turns, and I grumble. "Lord, what is your will? Lord, don't you love me enough to let me know what you want? It is dark out here and I need light!"
Quietly, He teaches me to trust Him. "Brenda, there's something beautiful coming....just hang on and stop complaining.....and stop making assumptions about Me!"
I think each time I pass the entrance, I will hopefully remember that our property management company cares about our welfare and my heavenly Property Manager cares way more than I could ever know.

Please be patient with me

This looks like a leftover from the 30 year snow storm of several weeks ago, doesn't it? BUT NO! A week ago I awoke on a Sunday morning, got busy getting ready for church and waited for sunrise with no thought of the weather. As I walked through the house, I glanced out and saw THIS! Winter wasn't finished.
Today it is 70 degrees and hopefully no more surprises await. But it reminded me of the phrase we used in the 70s: PBPGIFWMY....Please be patient, God isn't finished with me yet. Winter wasn't finished with us and had a last hoorah.
I am thankful the snow melted, but I am also very thankful God doesn't give up on me with a last hoorah! There is so much work left for Him to do and I am grateful He is faithful in and out of season.

The Yes-Mess

As I wrote graciously declining an invitation to join a neighborhood book club, I said, "I am in a 'yes-mess' and cannot participate right now."
"Yes-mess." I liked that even though I wasn't sure how it popped into my mind.
When I was doing life coaching I encouraged people to clearly understand how God designed them in order to create a yes filter. I found urging people to say "no" wasn't effective....coaching people on the right way to say "yes" was. And here I am ---- weighed under by inefficient, ineffective, and imprudent use of the word "yes."
My Dad once sent me a small, handwritten note..."Brenda, opportunity is not mandate." I loved that statement. Now I find myself opportunistically mandated under a pile of commitments.
What should this teach me? Find my gifts and follow that trail.
A few years ago I decided to focus on music as an outlet for my gift of encouragement. I spent the entire year saying yes to every invitation to accompany a singer, play hymns for the nursing home, be the rehearsal pianist for the choir, and host a music night in my home. I purposefully and intentionally established this pattern. It brought great joy to me. But, it wasn't added to 5 or 6 other outlets for encouragement. I said yes to one path and it worked.
I need to identify and define the "highest and best use" of my gifts before the yes-mess overtakes me.
Bill Hendricks wrote these words, "Operate in the called to, not the can do." Yes-messes occur when the can do takes over. Saying yes to the called to is experiencing God's pleasure.
"This is the way, walk in it." God is a good manager of gifts and time, isn't He?

God's Pause

No, it's not snowing again, but this is the front drive in the "once in 30 years" whiteness. Last night 26 people gathered in my house to hear a 90 year old man share his Jesus stories. What fun it was to see faces of people I didn't even know 8 months ago.....how precious is the body of Christ.
My sign is meaningful for me because Selah is a musical phrase meaning "pause." It is not an end, but a stopping place between verses. That is what I so love about my Holly Lake house....God has given me a place to pause, but not to give up or say "that's all, folks."

Tired Puppy

As I headed to Heather's house on Tuesday I kept saying to myself, "Brenda, you are a tired puppy." The Symposium was over, my trips to the airport were complete, and I was free to crash. The emotional, physical, and spiritual letdown was enormous. I felt like Elijah. I had just seen God work and enjoyed the power of the Holy Spirit, but I felt overwhelmed. I saw the mistakes, I felt my inadequacies, and I indeed felt afraid. I picked up my grandkids, delivered them to their activities, and by 5pm I was asleep on the couch. Heather woke me up to say she would put my dinner on the coffee table, but I better grab it before Buddy, the dog, got a sniff. I ate and immediately went back to sleep. Elijah got fed by the birds ---- I loved my own little chick, Heather, and her care for me. A friend emailed me and closed "Blessings and restoration, Brenda." What a wonderfully curative word --- restoration. Rest for my soul. Rest for my body. Rest from the attacks of the evil one who wanted to rob me of my joy. It was a battle, but I am seeing God's light. I am still a tired puppy, but I sense God's peace and healing. It is time to reassess and to make the next one better, but it will never be a time when gratitude and profound amazement aren't appropriate. Thank you, Lord Jesus, for DBU. Thank you for the opportunity to go in your name. Nourish the seeds that were planted and grow those students into mighty oak trees for your kingdom. Nurture your daughter and grow her in grace, as well.

Afternoon caucus

From careful organization to carefree chaos! The team regrouped to discuss the morning sessions, share the stories, and generally enjoy each other. The raves about the faculty, the students, and the environment of DBU energized us all. We prepared for an evening of panel discussion and God at work.
March 1, 2010 was an important day for me. I am so thankful for the men and women who devoted their day to the lives of DBU students. They indeed stretched and blessed the next generation.

Waiting for 8:30

March 1, 2010 had been on the calendar for nearly a year. We prayed for it, we worked toward it, and we eagerly anticipated what God had in mind. The board room was prepared for the team members ---- all in order. On this rainy day Matt Murrah and I waited for the campus clock to strike 8:30 when they would all rush in, full of vim and vigor.

We were there with a three legged stool. We wanted God to be glorified, Dad to be honored, and lives to be changed. As I drove up to campus that morning, it was still dark and the lights of the chapel driveway seemed to say, "I am leading the way for you. Come do God's will and see Him work." Tears ran down my cheeks as I thanked my heavenly Father for my earthly father and the legacy he left.

The day began with a heart full of love and expectation.